Sitting at a table at Tillie’s, my favorite, independent Brooklyn café, I find myself easily distracted. The people are much more interesting to watch than my work is to complete. A guy of about 23 years walks in. He’s nearly 6 feet tall, very thing, longer, thick wavy dark hair—in a word attractive. I decide to watch him. What is his story? Does he go to school? He orders a large Raspberry Iced-Tea…or I assume that’s what he’s ordered because it looks exactly like mine, and that is what I ordered. He takes out his phone and fiddles with it. Boring. I got back to my work. About thirty minutes later, a girl walks in. Tall, dark olive skin, black long straight hair, very thin—in a word attractive. She is carrying a medium size white bag, most likely with food in it. He looks up and tries very hard to hide the smile the smile that is growing inside of him at the sight of HER, her walking through the door weaving among the chairs toward HIM. She hands him the bag and sits down in one swift smooth motion, maybe she’s a dancer, She, too, cannot hide the smile. The bag is more than a bag, perhaps an expression of love. She leaves to get something to drink. He immediately opens the bag and pulls out a small note—filled front and back—about the size of post-it—the smile trying so hard to stay hidden returns. He reads the note, more in lover with her than ever.
Love. Almost as essential as breathing. Why? Because love is ubiquitous. People love with their entire self: their brains, their minds, their bodies; No one loves with just their hearts.
According to Helen Fisher at Rutgers University, there are 3 stages; lust, attraction, and attachment. Robert Sternberg proposes a similar idea: the love triangle. The love triad includes: intimacy, commitment and passion, which Sternberg demonstrates is found in the seven different types of love determined by the power of each point of the triad:
1. Consummate: highest level of level, equal presence of intimacy, commitment and passion
2. Infatuated: Includes only passion
3. Fatuous: Includes equal amounts of passion and commitment
4. Empty: Includes only commitment
5. Companionate: Includes intimacy and commitment
6. Romantic: Includes intimacy and passion
7. Liking/friendship: Includes only intimacy
However, each researcher’s theory on love show the impact of love on they brain, the mind and the body.
The Brain on Love
The brain on love is akin to the brain on drugs given the release of hormones that occur especially in Helen Fisher’s second stage of love: Attraction. In this is stage, greater than normal levels of dopamine are released in the brain. Dopamine release triggers the reward and pleasure center in the brain; the same chemical released when using cocaine. In addition, to dopamine, many other neurotransmitters and/or hormones are released: cortisol, serotonin, norepinephrine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. The release of these neurotransmitters are literally changing the wiring and firing of the neurons. Therein, changing the brain, which changes the mind and the body. In Sternberg’s love triad, commitment, the active decision to stay in the relationship, represents the brain. A connection to people’s evolved pre-frontal cortex and executive function skills such as goal-directed or task-directed persistence. Loving only with the mind would be considered empty love according to Sternberg.
The Mind on Love
The mind on love is a result of the release of serotonin. Helen Fisher found that serotonin is responsible for the inability of one to stop thinking about his or her partner and the rose-colored glasses effect. The ability to see the object of affection as more desirable and the relationship as more unique than others. This can be equated to intimacy on Sternberg’s love triangle. Dr. Arthur Aron demonstrated the ability to create intimacy even within a lab setting when complete strangers were paired with one another and given approximately 45 minutes to discuss 36 questions. After the discussion participants were asked to look into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes without speaking. Two participants after this experiment ended up married. According to Sternberg, intimacy is critical in many types of love including: consummate, companionate, romantic and liking/friendship. Intimacy represents the mind on love because it has the ability to occur despite the absence of an end-goal or physical attraction.
The Body on Love
This is the most common reference to love because people associate love with their hearts. Indeed, loving another person involves a change in heart-rate. However, this due to the release of cortisol and norepinephrine. Yet, the bodily changes, which cue people to the fact that they are experiencing a strong and separate emotion from those on a daily basis is the most easily identifiable because it involves the body. According to Helen Fisher, body love is the first stage of love: lust. It leads to the other stages taking place. Dr. Aron, found that it takes only 90 seconds to determine if someone finds another attractive. The body on love associated with romantic love or what is perceived to be romantic love, but may in fact include: consummate, infatuated or fatuous types of love.
One does not fall ‘in’ or ‘out’ of love One grows in love. ~ Leo buscaglia
Regardless of how love is categorized, labeled, or defined, the experience of love, regardless of type is unique to very. Love is universally acknowledge, felt and expressed. The great equalizer so to speak; given the uncontrollable impact it has on the brain it can make the most eloquent speaker a mumbling mess or turn the introverted intellect into a dashing diva. Fall…leap…sneak…grow love in whatever form. Love is meant to be experienced with the brain, the body and the mind…not just the heart.
When three quarters of our household were diagnosed, it suddenly explained a lot. And led to a million more questions. It redefined us and how we do things and so far.... things are better. Way better. Here is our journey, with all the things we're learning, in the hope that others might benefit too.